Greatest of the Pseudo-Sciences

Betty Crocker: Portrait of an American Alchemist

2007-11-08T21:51:00.000-08:00

Few doubt the skill of Betty Crocker as a chef, but even less know of her skill as an Alchemist. Some of her ideas blow my mind! For example her idea of using eggs, loganberry, and lead to make gold got us closer than ever. We attained silver. Sadly she died before she could continue her experiments.

Many of her eary experiments were less successful, in an alchemical sense that is. She made many new and excellent pies. She created more than 12 by age 32

An early corn pie from a failed experiment.

That's all folks, I hope you all check out your local library for more info on my favorite alchemist!!!

And as always Rocky Loves Rainchild,

John Andrew Manke esq.

Strawberry Jam

2007-09-11T21:46:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry that it has been a while since my last blog post, I had a very eventful summer in Mongolia (more in the next blog entry). This entry will be used to discuss the addition of fruit into alchemy. This has been a foreign idea to me for some time, even though fruit could possibly be an ingredient in the elixer of life. It is a well known fact that Lithuanian alchemists experimented heavily with loganberries.

Sadly for the Lithuanians loganberries proved to be a complete failure in the alchemy department (any incoming freshmen interested in an alchemy degree should call x3498). The berry idea is, however, an interesting one. Instead of loganberries, strawberries would be the logical choice for the elixer of life. It is a well documented fact within the scientific community that strawberries are imbued with magical powers, including hair re-growth, shape shifting properties, and it can even be used as a preventative measure against impotence. I intend to explore the strawberry's magical characteristics over the coming semester. Strawberries traditionally react well with badger teeth, but I hope to try a few more unorthodox ingredients, or even zany if you will. Sadly for you if any of these works I will wish to publish in the international alchemy publication "The Alexandrian Review of the Arcane Arts" and so naturally I cannot divulge any of my secrets...yet.

-John Andrew Manke esq.

Alchemy+Astrology=pseudotastic

2007-04-11T11:55:00.000-07:00

Dear patient readers,
I'm very sorry for the extended hiatus that I took, but even the United States of America took a hiatus that is today known as the Great Depression. Anywho here is my newest blog.

Lately I have been considering double majoring in alchemy and astrology. There is considerable overlap between the two subjects and many great alchemists have found that astrology has aided their alchemical studies. Astrologers have figured out that the sun is made of pure gold and that it rules over all gold throughout the solar system. Astrologers have also found that the Moon is made of silver which proves that the entire Apollo Program was a hoax to cover up the truth of alchemy. John F. Kennedy and his successor Lindon B. Johnson both felt it was necessary to create propaganda about the US landing on the moon to force the USSR to prevent the USSR to use any alchemical properties to resurrect some form of super Lenin. This cause is legitimate because I can only assume that a super Lenin would be more powerful and diabolical than the first. Sadly these actions set the field of alchemy back years to a time before the Chaldean Empire when Babylonian astrologers first divined the characteristics of the Sun, the Planets and the Moon. Perhaps it is time for the US to stop the lies and admit that Neil Armstrong never walked on the moon. That way astrologers and alchemists can once again work together to divine the secrets of God and immortality.

-John Manke I esq.

Happy St. Patty's Day?

2007-03-17T13:26:00.000-07:00

I need to apologize to you folks. Last week I promised to write about alchemy and astrology, yet something of great urgency has been brought to my attention. I failed to realize that today is St. Patrick's Day and we are also in the year of the Leprechaun. Something that people don't recognize is the close relationship of St. Patrick's Day and alchemy. Have you ever wondered how Leprechauns accrue their massive hoards of gold?! The answer is alchemy! Leprechauns are the only race to have unlocked all the secrets of alchemy. They can turn lead into gold, strangely they didn't take advantage of the life extending qualities of the elixir of life.

Today many people are skeptical of the existence of Leprechauns, but we know of them primarily through the writings of Plato. Plato wrote of their capital city, Atlantis in his dialogues of Timaeus and Critias. The once expansive city of Atlantis was home to the Leprechaun civilization and its many inventions, including high-water pants, the radio, honeydew, the sport we now know as "baseball" and of course alchemy. Sadly Atlantis was destroyed by the same meteor that mercilessly slaughtered the dinosaurs. There are still some clues and atifacts that prove the existance of Leprechauns. There have been some example of Leprechaun writings, mostly weather reports. One of these weather reports was found by Napoleon in Egypt during his invasion of the land of gold and sand. This tablet, known as the Rosetta Stone revealed the ancient Leprechaun language now referred to as hieroglyphics. Most people believe that this is a letter from Ptolemy XIV to an Egyptian priest, but this is an alteration. In order to protect the legacy and secrecy of the Leprechaun civilization Alberto Fermi, the Chief Inspector of the Ministry of Communications of Rome during the early twentieth century in an elaborate heist stole the Rosetta Stone from the British Museum in London and replaced it with a much more benign tablet showcasing simple Egyptian writings. No one knows where the original stone is now, some believe deep beneath Macon Georgia, though many argue it was laid to rest with former American president William Howard "T-Bone" Taft.

And remember friends and fellow Leprechaun historians when the clock crows nine and the love goddess wails look to the east.

-John Manke and Apprentice John Klimp esq.

Ancient Pseudo-Science Leads to a Golden Future

2007-03-09T16:45:00.000-08:00

Hello Readers,

My name is John Manke and I am an alchemy major here at St. Olaf. There aren't many alchemy majors here on the hill. In fact there are only two of them, my apprentice John Klimp and myself. This blog was created to show the rest of the St. Olaf community why alchemy is such an important subject and perhaps bring a few more people over to the alchemy major camp.

The first order of business is to defend alchemy against the preposterous arguments concerning the validity of it. These arguments include that it’s a "pseudo-science" and that it's ancient, obsolete, and useless. What kind of an argument 'is it's a "pseudo-science"?' Many other so called "pseudo sciences" have gained mainstream acceptance such as astrology, psychology, and pornography. Besides the fact that chemistry is an accepted science even though it's little more than the bastard son of alchemy. It's far to convoluted to be considered a valid subject. I mean what's with all those elements? Everyone knows that everything on earth is comprised of five basic elements, earth, fire, water, air, and peanuts (this last element was discovered in 1656 by famous African American alchemest George Washington Carver). Also to say that alchemy is ancient and useless is completely false. Any sane human can understand that turning lead into gold thereby prolonging human life is a very useful and pragmatic pursuit. I know that people think that this is impossible, but obviously these people haven't heard of magic.

Finally there have been many famous American alchemists...

George Washington Carver

William Howard Taft

And of Course the most famous American alchemist

Susan B. Anthony

Turning lead into gold and frowns into smiles,
John Manke

Next Week: Alchemy and Astrology